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Newly beloved readers, come closer and I will whisper my review to you of a hot! hot! present to give to the pair of lovers who have everything else next Christmas. Or to your favorite gym-rat whom you want to encourage to be pumped up in all areas -- or even to yourself, for you and your reflection in the mirror for mutual admiration. To wit you horny and lovelorn readers, I wish to tell you about my experience with ... (stage whisper -- I don’t wish to start a stampede)
"Dr. Joel Kaplan Inc.'s Medical Vacuum Pump System and The Deluxe Hand Pump
retailing for..."
I tried out the Premium Penis Pump Set, which is the low end of the high end penis pumps (product #JC380)at www.extremerestraints.com. Simple to assemble it comes in three parts: a black leather multi-button cock-ring, a hard vacuum pump tube, and the pressurizing hand pump, which can be easily clicked into the tube. Be sure to read all the directions at least three times. Meanwhile, let it set for a while at first looking sexy and clinical on your toy shelf just out of the box all new, clean and shiny. Tell your brother you will fuck his ass if he touches it first. (This review includes also you Leather Mistress pegboy pig lovers (oinky, oink!). After all, who wants small pegboys, specially where such delightfully scientific torture like the vacuum pump is involved.
I must say, I was first put off by the instructions, which are very in depth --too in depth. In fact, the instructions are my biggest complaint and the major flaw in this "toy" which is not called a toy by the instructions. Most men, including myself, don’t usually bother to read such things, which is why the stove, the micro-wave and the television clock all blink at my house. Why did I break my hard, fast no-reading-of-directions rule for something so innocuous as a vacuum pump? But I did.
Anyway, I had assumed the fantasy that when you used a Vacuum Pump System it caused you somehow to get off in the process. And to get off BIG, as in sucks, like Yosemite Sam sipping a beer -- slurp, guzzle, burp! -- the shy and demure cum out your dick, kicking and screaming, ole. To this end I was mistaken; the goal is strictly (drum roll please) to make the member larger; in fact, they strongly recommend you do NOT ejaculate for several hours after getting it larger...read the directions three times slowly!
Hold off, getting off, for at least an hour and a half. The feeling of pumping is like a lot of sexy needles attempting to tattoo a Warner Brothers cartoon on your Cock. Oh Slow Poke Rodriguez baby... My manhood dripped precum and it made me horny as heck, but the experience of seeing my cock balloon just in testing was worth it. Si, Si! I held off manfully to let the blood, rushed into the expanded cells, do the wonder magic of transforming my regular hot dog into a Coney Island super sausage ready to slap into the extra husky-sized buns of my favorite young fever-ridden-with-lust bear cub.
In this case, my following reaction gives you an idea of your tester's testosterone-magic-growing mushroom under glass: holy cow look how big it makes it now! It's like a medium sized lusty Portabella mushroom cap in no time!
It would be so, so truly great fun to use Dr. Kaplan’s VPS in a shoot, both in a still-shot way and on streaming video, i.e. hint!, hint! someone needs to make this penis pump porno soon, and if they haven’t already made it using bears, call me! This pump definitely works -- who knew a cock could look like a Burpee cucumber? (Close up smile with a Bugs Bunny toon kiss to my hottie, Dr. Kaplan.) In a Mr. Happy moment of erotica, and my dick going nowhere but up inside the vacuum tube, I would like to fantasize about Dr. Kaplan -- pull the camera slightly back lingering on my 29 or 30 year-old physician. I so love his gently brisk bedside manner, one step beyond proctology and checking my balls for hernia. Why do my nipples get hard looking at him? Just cause he always asks, "will there be anything else I can do for you, sir?"
I put the pump aside -- it was now starting to steam because now I'm fantasizing about my oh so hot tattooed internet lover in New York -- stop the presses, hold the chopped liver at the deli -- and the Big Tall Trucker, size 6'5", from Oklahoma -- imagine the size of his feet! :o) -- the local bear couples in a three-way or a romantic young radical faerie/bear/Buddha sexy black poet totally slamming his boinking pud, and just for fun let's ad another muscle black bear beauty I know and his pud taking turns into my so white-guy, sex-starved buttocks and Oral -- hey that cock tastes like pizza Pringles, yummy! (oops -- my fantasies do hyperlinks.)
So what I am saying here is that the size of my dick got me kind of side-tracked, not to mention my dread from all the warnings in the instructions. But here is where I decided I should get down to business with this thing, stop cringing before the threat of doom from the skull-and-crossbones "instructions" still replaying like a railroad crossing gate in my head. And I said what the heck, let’s go all the way with this contraption! Yes! Oh God Yes! Lying in bed at last I pumped it up. The sensation of the hundred pleasant needles poking my cock at once did not lessen my enthusiasm, and I am very cock defensive, so if I tell you it feels good, trust me it feels good. There I was having a fun time, knees up, holding the tube just right. Looking like Anakin Skywalker with a woody for the Emperor. I had fun for a half an hour watching my cock swell up (oh, oh, oh) and shrink down (after popping the vacuum)...delicately monstrous. I am taking Kundalini classes to last longer, however. Sadly I couldn’t take Mr. Happy all the way, but Mr. Happy was so Happy anyway he drooled pre-cum extremely, like I haven’t seen in years. So this Trusted Reviewer says put one on your Mastercard or Visa today, then get on your Leather gear and hold tight to your blankie.
