When not shooting porn or advising troubled gays, Jack Mauro (alias "Suck it Up") writes fiction. His books - 'Gay Street', 'Spite Hall', and 'Enola's Wedding' - can be found on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Visit Jack's new website jackmauro.com for articles, stories, a blog or two, excerpts from past and upcoming work, and naked pics of someone who looks like Nick Lachey.

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Stinky Britches

Hey, Suck:

I really enjoy eating a hot guy’s ass. This turns me on more than anything. I met a very hot guy and we started dating. The first few times we only did oral sex because he didn’t want to go there yet. That was cool. Well, we finally went there and I have to say, it was horrible. He wasn’t clean, if you know what I mean. The smell alone made me gag.

I can’t even look at this guy now. He wants to know what’s up and why we’re not hanging out anymore but I don’t know how to tell him that his ass is disgusting and he needs to wash back there. Get me out of this, OK?

Rimmer


Dear Rimmer,

Why don’t you start by asking me to help with something just a little easier, like, say, getting Mark Dalton to shove his bare ass in your face? Jesus, guy.

But let’s get serious. There are two courses open to you. The first involves taking the bullet for every other rimming guy this man will be with after you. That’s right ‒ talking to him about it. It can be done. Make sure the timing and the setting are beautifully comfortable. Lead into it gently, letting him know that what you want to say isn’t meant to hurt or insult, but is rather something he absolutely needs to hear. Stress how difficult this is for you, and I don’t mean by whining about it; show him that it’s not easy through your evident concern. Then tell him his hygiene has to improve.

Once this bomb is dropped, reverse your strategy. Play it down. Reassure him that it’s not a huge deal, that he’s sensational (at least when his shorts are on), yada, yada. You can even throw in an example of a similar lapse on your part. Make one up; God forgives the lie created to soothe. If you do this right and a sincere desire to actually help comes through, he should be able to handle it.

Two warnings about this approach: you can be as gentle as Gandhi and he may still freak. In which case, Rim, you fought the good fight, but must then move on. Also ‒ do not, and I mean do not, take on so intimate and inherently hazardous a task if this dude is relatively meaningless to you. We’re talking about as sensitive an issue as it gets, and such instruction coming from a casual fuck buddy ‒ especially one with no intention of ever casually fucking with him again - has an element of cruelty to it.

Which brings us to the second option. Sneak off into the night. Say an old boyfriend is back. Say you’re thinking girls are fine. Say you lost your dick in a NASCAR spill. Spare his feelings, retreat, and let the next ass-happy guy in line gasp for air.

And here’s hoping your next romance suffers from nothing worse than bad breath.

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Coming to Blows

Dear Suck It Up:

Is it safe to go after straight guys in straight bars? Lately I have had some luck here especially when it is late. The last guy I took home was hung, VERY straight and a great dick to suck. However I got nervous when he was done because he got an attitude and left kind of mad. All I did was suck him off good but he was angry. I want straight cock but I do not want to get beat up either. What should I look out for next time?

Yours truly,

Helper of Straight Men

Dear Helper,

Next time, look out for a rainbow decal on the bar’s window. Even that’s no guarantee your sucking episodes will be psycho-free, but the odds are more in your favor.

You’re not the first cocksucker to equate getting straight dick with the possibility of a beating afterward, because you’re not the first cocksucker to like straight dick better than the other kind. (I am. More on that another time, though.) ‘Last call cock’ predates the gay bar. Hey, we had to get it somewhere, before the Boots and Saddles Pub opened its doors. Straight men get drunk, get horny, need head, and the curious buddies or undercover gays oblige. For those of us turned on by straight men, Budweiser really is King.

But ‒ as you indicate knowing in your letter ‒ straight and drunk can get nasty, especially when straight and drunk feels like he’s just been debased. Which, in drunk straight guy thinking, translates to having given into a fag. Think about it, Helper: straight men are the ones who stomp their work boots all over the hearts of girls dumb enough to fuck them and think they care. So how decent is such a guy going to be after he’s shot his load and noticed that he fed it into a queer?

On the plus side, that’s all the downside. Brute stereotypes notwithstanding, the worst most straight guys will do after getting head from a gay guy is exit as though the building is burning down. The majority, shit-faced or otherwise, are glad of the service, even if dating isn’t in the cards.

What you need to do when you patrol last call at Joe’s Bar, Help, is draw the line between straight/horny and hyperstraight/horny. The hyperstraight guy may be the bigger turn-on; he’s usually the dangerous stud with the chip on his shoulder and hot-fuck glint in his eye. As gay symbolism goes, this is one hot icon. But he is trouble. He’s the dude with major sexuality issues bubbling under his Wranglers, none of them likely to be rationally explored and all of them potentially explosive. He’s the guy who sees nothing wrong with blackening your eye because, to him, there is no ‘gay’; there are only fags who don’t deserve better. Steer clear of this fucker, son.

So, what about the other hot, horny, straight men left at the bar, once we remove the probable psycho element? Some may still be a post-cumshot beating waiting to happen. How do you get that cock with minimum risk?

First and foremost ‒ there’s always risk when any stranger is picked up. It’s greater in a straight bar but not unknown in the gay clubs, either. If strangers do it for you, use your brains. Don’t drop to your knees anywhere where escape isn’t easy, and where exposure isn’t a shout away. Going to your place or his place may seem more civilized but, in the case of relatively anonymous dick, it’s just dumb. In these situations, the sane and civilized arena for the action should be the bar’s bathroom, your car, or the alley behind the joint. Provided the door back inside stays open.

Then, too, we’re all men here. Assess your strength level as compared to his. It’s something guys do as a reflex, anyway. And you can be sure he’s given it a moment’s thought, whether he’s a possible basher or just a guy out for head, because straight men draw these conclusions more automatically than gay men.

Lastly: never, ever initiate the contact with a straight man in a straight bar. Never. From my experience, even the most sexually confused and volatile straight guy remembers who approached whom. Asking the wrong guy here ‒ and they’re all, in essence, the wrong guys ‒ is asking for trouble on a gigantic scale.

But that, happily, will be the least of your worries. Unless straight bars have changed drastically since my time, Helper, you don’t have to ask. Sit back, have a drink, and wait for last call to work its magic on dozens of heterosexual dicks.