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My Magazine > Editors Archive > cat3 > Jailhouse Cock
Jailhouse Cock   by Roger Crazzle

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JAIL HOUSE COCK
Private DVD
(see www.man-size.com)


Oh, this DVD is a holler. It's a jailhouse alright, and there's plenty of shots of the gates, bars, and the paddy wagon pulling in the yard. Boys in blue jean shirts in handcuffs. And guards carrying big ole' night sticks. But if you don't like sado-masochism or even domination play, no need to be skittish about this video -- it's perfectly harmless. Well, except for the one mild interrogation scene -- one off-camera slap that sends a handsome fu-bearded stud to the floor, rather gingerly. The guards in this movie are too busy milking their constant boners to handle any more than that before they drop those neat uniforms to the floor and start grunting and groaning.

This Private Video lark is for the man who likes uniforms. But they are nice uniforms and plenty of camera time is spent on them, even piled on the floor while the guys are at it. And they seem to have magical flies or no underwear, because boy they can sure let their cocks out of them in a hurry, with everything else still belted up, gun belt and all. So, the uniform, all khaki clean and pressed, with the bright blue stripe down the side and those brown highway patrol-high boots that give away the fact that this is not America. (Well and maybe that the paddy wagon is one of those small diesel numbers that no gas guzzling American would be caught dead in.). That is, until they speak. Oh, Lordy, Lordy, I'm no English-language snob, but when these guys say "goddamned motherfucker," there's nothing to do but start rolling on the floor with laughter.

It opens with a lot of shots of the scene and guys sitting in the transport, or standing on the catwalks, waiting. Finally two guards go at it and all that heavy rock music dies away to the elevator stuff we know and apparently love with our sex. Eastern European though they be, there's a gold tongue ring on our first fucking guard and tattoos enough to start several tribes. The scene cuts are jumpy. For example, there's not much actual undressing -- all too often we cut from a little rubbing of crotches to everybody's naked except for their brown knee-highs -- apparently fucking in footwear is the rage. The guards fuck through a metal ladder, guard 1 is squatting down as guard 2 stands on the other side of the ladder his cock poking through the slots. Uncut dick, here. Aryan kind of looks -- fair hair, mostly hairless chests. And lots of ass-freckles. Hmmm. Cute. Frankly the sex looks uncomfortable -- climbing the ladder naked? Hanging from a rung while you tongue? -- looks like acrobat sex to me. And at the end of many of these scenes -- like this one where the two callisthenic guards do fellatio on a ladder, or a similar scene where a squatting guy blows another guy who's actually lying between the rungs of a stairway's hand railing -- they jerk themselves off, each to his own money shot, though they may be kissing with their shiny, black, phallic night sticks in hand. The camera as the camera slowly descends to catch their boots, and the cum dripping on their guns in an obviously engineered shot.

The new boss guard Helmut Muller (who has the most scenes in this DVD) comes in and tells his underlings there are new rules, which apparently intend to stem the fucking that goes on around the place. But as soon as he issues that decree and sends the underlings packing, he's on Ted Colunga like a French tickler. Colunga says he can't live with the new rules in thick accent and stiff voice, and the boy boss/guard says, "let me try to persuade you," and gives him head. Helmut has a teeny speedo tan line -- gotta watch out for those sun bathing prison guards. In the looks department, the freckle bodied, red (very short) haired Colunga is cross between some cute confection and something thuggishly Cro-magnon -- depending on what angle he's at. On with the condom -- Muller has not the most huge dick in the world -- this is kind of refreshing -- and into the desk-top fuck he slides. And this is another giveaway from most American porn, Colunga in this scene, and virtually everybody else, does no hard-on maintenance whatsoever, no stroking while being fucked or sucked. And believe me, some of these cocks look amazingly languid, lounging around on the guy's belly while his partner's working up a sweat pumping his ass or licking his dick. Anyway, clean-shaven, pink, and with those freckles even on his ass, very near his hole, Colunga gets on all fours and takes Helmut's dick up his ass.

For the money, Helmut starts by grabbing both dicks in one hand -- his own thin, uncut, Ted's shorter and thicker. They kiss and Colunga comes first, all over Helmut's leg. Then, it's a cut to the uniforms, lying across the desk. This happens a lot.

The first scene in which a guard has a prisoner at his mercy, "You can't escape," and "I don't want to go." Here's where the accents will crack you up (as much as the fact that they obviously don't know what they're actually saying). Oh, never mind. It's off with the handcuffs and the guard (of course) goes down on his knees to suck the prisoner. What is it with these guards? Can you spell "top" role? OK. So I'm insisting on the cliché. Bad taste of me. I just hate to see a good domination scene go to waste -- but that's me.

You can tell the prisoners by the black sneakers during a naked fuck session (as opposed to the boots). And fuck session we get, next up. Three prisoners are working in the tool shop (lots of minutes watching them putter around) when the guards lead two new prisoners in, handcuffed together. As soon as they're let loose into the population, one is approached by the afore mentioned fu-bearded guy, and the newbie drops to his knees to perform suck service.

In this scene everyone gets going, on the work benches and tables, and it has such memorable lines as "Push it to him." And "The bad guys get softer; the pussies get harder." (What that means will remain in Romania -- or wherever).

When the strict boss, Helmut, comes in, they all stop, rather calmly, while he reads the regulations. And as soon as he leaves, fellatio resumes. Watching from the catwalk, the guards start getting crotch-cozy with each others' night sticks. Two prisoners get taken away, but as soon as they're gone, the three left over get going instantly, sprawled back over the work bench amid the whatever spare parts those are around the shop, pants off, dicks hoisted on high with the blue jean shirts open, everyone licking and sucking, they're a sight.



One is ass up on the table and getting opened up by a few drooled-on fingers. This hole has been worked long before this photo op, you can be assured, because it has that I've-just-been-reamed gape on its lips. Step by step, the two guards get closer and closer to being on the prisoners' level. They descend the catwalk to stand on the table naked above the other three, giving and receiving head -- while standing -- and the other two are teaming the third guy's ass with their hands. Occasionally the lower level fuckers exchange angry looks at the upper level fuckers. (Right about here some non-cast members can be spotted way off in the distance for a quick "walk-on."). This scene ends with everyone on the floor in a big circle jerk. Now about these cum shots. The camera goes back and forth between head views and dick views. Explain me this, why can't we see face and dick at the same time? Could it possibly be that some cum footage was imported… well, I won't say it.

OK, so the interrogation room, slap him around, and when they ask him for information he says "fuck you motherfucker!" It's rich. Next thing he's bartering for the information. His price? To get fucked by one guard while another stands over him jerking off. He drives a hard bargain. It's very weird how this film cuts off body parts from each other, the close-up shots being a lot less energetic than the long shots. One of the guard's cocks has that purple, membranous look of a dick used to hiding deep in its sheath -- oh so sensitive. And he just squeezes it out there, holding back the foreskin, squatting there while the "prisoner" pumps him from underneath. This guard is a fur muffin from neck to dick base.

This film crew has thrown in lots of extra swearing for our viewing pleasure. "I knew there was a goddamned motherfucker behind it all." Oh, so funny. (I suppose we should be thankful it's in English at all. Or that it isn't in Czech with English subtitles. Really kind of them to try.) If you can split your laugh response off from your arousal buttons, you're going to have a great time. For all its talk about punishment, no one will ever know which is the punishment and which is just a truly fine bj. And most of the 15 or so studs in this film deliver us healthy strings of snow-white milky cum. So I can't complain. Much.