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Hello and welcome friends!
I'm Renae. (Yes I have a last name, I might tell you later!) Hopefully you came here looking for me, and if you didn't you can still pop in anytime you like and say hello.
(UPDATE:)
I am on the road to transition.
I gave up on the war that wherein part of me thought it was male, and the real me, said "OH HELL NO!"
I was fighting two wars in my head, one is PTSD, the other GID.
Both create(d) stress, anger, depression, self hatred and a list of other damaging behaviors.
But I took a long hard look at myself and asked, "What has being male done for me? (Aside my my wonderful .)
Answer, pain, suffering, confusion and of course :
Exhaustion, mental and physical. I was using energy I didn't have to waste, on a fight that was well, really stupid in hindsight. Not to mention how it acerbated the PTSD.
So I am firmly on the path to womanhood.
I will grow breasts... via the hormones or via a surgeon.
One step at a time.
(END UPDATE)
Why?
Well I think it has something to do with genetics, on some level. I was born interesexed, and at the time they didn't let the grow up for a time to see what side of the playground they belonged, add in that I was born in a Naval Hospital with all the military prejudices and you can guess what happened.
Yup you guessed it, they cut it out, and sewed up the wrong bits! Ok, so the testes work, of which I am happy for, as I have a very pretty ... But! I really wish they had left good enough alone and left me with both sets. (Or even had gone the other direction.)
So I spent most of my hood life feeling odd or out of place. Add in some seriously over religious parents in that my Mom was a Sunday School teacher and my Dad was a Decon... in a Church of Christ Church in the mid-west. You guessed it I had no life. Over protected, not allowed to have real contact with friends outside of church, yadda, yadda, yadda. My life was hell.
On the upside Neither my Moth or Dad read that much, so books were a good friend to me. Which is likely why my favorit dream is to get published and have thousands if not hundreds of thousand adoring fans... *sigh* Unfortunately I am not there yet.
I Escaped, (Yes the capitalized 'E' is intentional,) into the Army and discovered, Wine, Women (and Men) , Sex and Music. It was a merry time while it lasted but then I ended up at the big E4(p) and no promotions in sight. Naturally when the time came for me to go I was forced out. Unfortunately by that time, I had visited the land of Saddam insane and a few other places that really mucked with my head.
So I did the school thing for a time and all the fun bits of stress, trying to burn the candles at both ends and not enough sleep and my PTSD and Depression lurched up like the thing for the deep... and kicked my ass.
So now I see the shrinks on a semi weeks basis, trying to keep my marbles in my head. I take all sorts of medications and have tried to find ones that work for me. Add in some chronic pain from injuries suffered in the line of duty and I was suddenly a pedestrian. Why, well I had this slight problem of not being able to walk in a straight line, and I was 'theoretically' sober. That and I at times could not remember if I had done something or not.
I'd lost an Aunt, her husband and two of their three s in a drunk driver induced car accident. So the idea of me driving drunk has always been abhorrent. Driving when I have to take so much medication on a regular basis was something I wasn't even going to contemplate doing. Evidently some people can take all those meds and function in a normal safe manner, I'm evidently not one of them.
Ok, if I've not frightened you off with being honest and upfront in that I am a wreck, thank you :)
All that said, I am not a total bag of nerves, a nervous Nellie, a hypochondriac or looking for someone to fix me. No what I am looking for is someone who enjoys my company, dressed or not, in bed or not. Someone who isn't a flake or just looking for a way to cheat on their emotions or their spouse and or girl friend.
'But wait, you said you were married.'
Yes I am , and no I am not cheating, my spouse knows of my desires, my love of men and my kinky side. (Yes she has a strap-on and knows how to use it.) The thing is, sex with a man, while dressed is erotic as hell. The surrender of control, of 'having to be the man' is something I crave. Yes I can top, but its not the 'deep me,' that I need to be when I am with a man. When I am with a man I want to be a woman, not the quasi-male in a dress.
Hence its why I want tits of my own, and not the pair of tits I have in a box. Yes I have a very nice set of falsies, they look great in some outfits, but they don't have the same feel as when a man (or woman) grasps at my chest and plays with my tits. Right now, in a very good push up bra, I have an almost B-Cup. But being the greedy little bitch I am I want C's or at least a 'full B-cup'
Sadly though the VA won't give me the hormone or a boob job. While I could likely get a shrink to sign off on the TG side of things for me, and so on... it would cost $$$ of which I don't have banks full of. So I am on the slow and drawn out Herbal route when I can afford all the herbal stuff. Mother Natures estrogen and all of that :)
Kink wise, Yes I have some, yes I would like to explore more, but a few things are dead out. Scat Play and Cutting being the two biggies to date. I don't get a kick out of changing out messy diapers or cleaning up shit out side of sex and I don't think it would trip my trigger -in sex-. Cutting, I have a scar I hate, and a few others I could have skipped, adding to them is not my thing.
Of course that leaves lots of room for things to try.
Sex wise, I like Oral and Anal sex, not to mention the regular kind. :)
However I do want the per I am with to have some endurance! I want someone who is able to stay in the saddle once they are there. So what if you can come 3-4 times in several hours, can you keep it up long enough for a per to enjoy it? It is a pet peeve of mine in that I get all dressed, get a room and the guy can't keep it up long enough for me to really feel like I have be well and truly laid!
Yes I am slightly picky; when I want sex I want to feel like I've had sex! I want to feel like I may have over done it. I want to feel washed out, tired and feel like I've hit nirvana in the after wash of sexual generated endorphins!
Most of all I want to feel good about having done it and not feel like I have wasted my time.
If you are wondering what my sex life is like at home... When I have sex with my wife, it is that good and it takes us a good measure of time before we want to move. But then I am the -guy- and she is -all woman- at that time, which is opposite of what I want to be when I am with a guy. Yeah, it is a mental quirk, but it is honest.
So where does that leave you?
Well hopefully not intimidated, as I am not dominant as a girl. (Very likely this is a good thing!) I want to feel like I am not in control, that our mutual pleasure is not from me servicing you and getting nothing back pleasure wise.
While I enjoy sex with men, I'm not super heavy into being the top. Sure I can top, but it feels 'off' a bit in my head. or in crasser terms, I want to be fucked, not the one doing the fucking... Basically I can be a slut, or a compassionate lover, and while I can -play- being a , I don't want to feel like one.
It's a human thing, to want to feel completed in sex, not used as a toy and discarded after the act.
Are you human?
Renae
My Ideal Person
I'm looking for some one who can be in charge, take charge and knows what they want. Without being a total dick, or scum of the earth.
I'm a bottom, a bit subbish and occasionally needing to be tied up. But not all the time. Yes I have my kinks, but that is not who I am entirely. So I am complicated at times, its not a bad thing.
I am not just a willing set of holes to be used and tossed away.
I'm not exactly easy, but well; if you are friendly you may get to see how friendly I can be.
What are your favorite television shows?:
Stargate Atlantis, Heroes, BSG
What are your favorite movies?:
Too Many To List Here!
Tell us what you're reading now.:
Not enough! I do most of my reading online and going over the stuff that
comes my way through the cr
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