"It sucks, it strokes, it vibrates. If it did any more, you'd need a license to operate it."

Thus claims the box containing Doc Johnson's Robo Suck 2. Hmm, I can almost picture it. Deep in the bowels of Doc Johnson HQ, there was a marketing meeting. The brightest minds of the company got together to name this battery-operated combination of a vibrator and a masturbation sleeve. They took a look at its nubby sleeve, big black plastic motor housing, multi-speed power controller, and thought, "Let's design the box like it's a Terminator sequel!"

I don't know about you, but picturing a cyborg with its flesh half torn away and crawling towards you before you off it in a machine press, isn't my kind of hot. Ahnold as Conan? Hot. As the Terminator? Not so much. You nerds can argue about that in the comments, but I'm digressing here.

Taking this rigid tool out of the box, I'm disappointed that this sucker doesn't come with instructions. I nearly have to break the controller to put the four "C" batteries in (batteries not included, of course). Whoever designed the battery compartment made sure the cover would hold those batteries come hell or T-1000.

After putting in the batteries and connecting the controller to the motor housing, I lube up the nubby sleeve and ramp up the switch. It chugs along like a little steam engine. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can put my cock into it. I pop it into the sleeve. There's a ring and an adjustable slide around the sleeve so you can move it where the strokes are gonna hit. I push it up so it hits my sweet spot and ramp up the switch to increase the vibration. Putting aside the chugga-chugga sound (making it impossible to use if you don't want any roommates to know what you're up to), I gotta say that little workhorse did manage to get me hard at first.

I try to picture Robert Patrick using his warm liquid metal hands on me. Chug, chugging away at my cock. Eh, still not hot. I push the switch up to max. The sleeve chugs away even harder, pumping up and down, and the ring around the sleeve vibrates even more, but it was just not doing the job for me. After getting me hard and hopeful, it just left me wanting.

I stop the machine and take matters into my own hands, grabbing the toy and manually pumping it. The sleeve itself feels good on my dick, so I use it to get something out of this machine. I jack myself off using the whole device sans electricity. The same way that pa and gramps did it back in the day. The simplest ways are the best, aren't they?

After shooting my load into the sleeve I discover the most problematic thing about Robo Suck 2: you can't remove the sleeve to clean it out. Well, you might be able to, but damned if there weren't any instructions to show you how to do it without breaking the thing. I'm also not about to put the whole electronic device under a faucet to rinse it out. Some of you might enjoy shooting load after load into a crusty sleeve, but I'm afraid it ain't my kink. I'm afraid it's just a one-night stand for me.

At least the Robo Suck 2 did live up to one of its claims on the box – it sucks.