Tristan Taormino is an anal sex expert and the author of several sex-positive, ass-conscious titles, including Down and Dirty Sex Secrets and Pucker Up: A Hands-on Guide to Ecstatic Sex. She tours the country touting the wonders of anal sex and the overall goodness of sex in all its forms. Giving anal sex workshops around the country, Tristan has probably had her fist in more virgin butt than a proctologist. Here in her Anal Advisor columns (first published in the Village Voice) Tristan addresses all the ifs, ands, and butts of anal sex.
You can visit Tristan at her official website, www.PuckerUp.com.
Dear Anal Advisor:
Is it true that too-frequent insertion of penis/dildo/plug into the anus will lead to an enlarged and/or loosened sphincter? I have fantasies of anal sex which now include toilet training. Am I going to have to see a psychiatrist? Or am I going straight to hell?
Your first question is one that I get asked over and over. As I say in my video: Let’s put this myth to rest once and for all. If you have a lot of anal sex, you are not going to end up in adult diapers. In others words, frequent backdoor banging–when done properly with care and lots of lube–will not lead to "an enlarged and/or loosened sphincter" or a loss of bowel control. In fact, having a lot of anal sex may do just the opposite: you may find that you actually have better bowel control than you did before. You see, in order to take something inside your rectum, you have to learn how to relax your sphincter muscles. The more you practice controlling these muscles, the more you are exercising and toning them (just like any other muscle). You are not stretching out or loosening the sphincter muscles, you are simply relaxing them to allow penetration. Have no fear, and keep opening up that back door.
Now, on to your second point about your fantasies involving anal sex and toilet training. Since you weren’t that specific, my mind went in several different directions. Some people who fantasize about anal sex also find the idea of shitting, playing with shit, smelling shit, eating shit and various other kinds of shit play (also known as "scat play") highly erotic. There are plenty of people out there who share that fetish (especially on the Web). Other people into anal sex are also into piss play (or golden showers) and combine the two into very hot scenes. There is a great erotic story in the anthology Hot Off The Net (Black Books) where one guy pisses into another guy’s ass after buttfucking him. I recently did a scene where four dommes topped two subs, culminating in three of us taking turns fucking one of the subs in the ass and peeing on him. He was covered in plastic and we were wearing latex gloves. I remind you that both piss play and scat play involve exchanging bodily fluids, and you should practice safer sex when engaging in these activities. Still other anal enthusiasts like to combine butt play with infantilism or other "age play," where the submissive can be a baby or a little boy or girl. Age play can be very hot, a great way to be a kid again, and toilet training is a frequent part of this fantasy.
Well, Paul, it sounds like you may want to end up in diapers, just not the adult variety! Your fantasies can be worthy of analysis, but not necessarily require you to see a shrink. Instead, I might recommend sharing your cravings with a partner or making an appointment with a professional dominatrix.
Dear Anal Advisor:
Help! Buttfucking hurts unbearably! It didn’t hurt so bad the first couple of years, but now, 5 years later, it does. It has never been my favorite thing, but it is my partner’s. He feels deprived and almost desperate. We’ve tried Anal-Ease and Anal Easy, but no luck! There must be something a girl can try. Could I use OraGel? Could I stretch my anus by using butt plugs daily? Would stretching exercises work? Please help!
Kimberly, Spokane, WA
There are so many elements which you need to have a pleasurable, pain-free anal sex experience: lots of foreplay and warm-up, plenty of lubrication, and communication and trust between you and your partner. Anal sex should never, ever be painful. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working. You should always listen to your body. Your butthole knows what is best for you. At the first sign of pain, you may want to stop all activity or simply slow it down: maybe use one finger only, change to a smaller butt plug, decrease the depth of penetration, or switch to external anal stimulation only. Work your way back up, but never force anything. Go as slow as you need to, continue to add more lube, and talk to your partner so he knows exactly what does and doesn’t feel good.
I’d also like to address your mention of using products like “Anal Ease” or even OraGel. Anal Ease is the brand name of a lubricant (of which there are several) marketed for anal sex which contains a numbing agent. I absolutely do not recommend using products like Anal Ease ever. Because they have the effect of numbing your anal area, you cannot feel your ass literally and you are in danger of hurting yourself. Using products like these often lead people to go farther than they normally would, take something bigger in their ass than they should and the result is a sore ass, possible tearing and damage to the delicate lining of the anal canal and rectum, and pain after the fact that isn’t exactly going to make you want to rush right out and try anal sex again. There are plenty of great water-based lubricants that are thick and work well for anal sex (like I-D, Maximus, and ForPlay Lube de Luxe Cream), so use one of those. As for the OraGel, common sense and warnings on the label should let you know the answer: no. Just don’t go there.
Using butt plugs on a daily basis is a good way to get your butt used to having something inside it. Butt plugs don’t actually “stretch” your butt; they simply help you learn to relax your pelvic and sphincter muscles. In terms of exercises, many women find that Kegel exercises (which exercise your PC muscles) are very helpful. In order to locate your PC muscles, pretend that you are trying to stop peeing (or while you are peeing, you can actually stop the flow of urine). The muscles you contract to stop the flow are your PC muscles. If you put your finger on your perineum–the area between your vagina and your anus–while you do this exercise, you can feel the contractions.
Kegel exercises (named for the scientist who studied PC muscles and popularized the theory of exercising them) can help you to become more aware of your sphincter and PC muscles and learn to control and strengthen them. They will help you get in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. The exercises will also tone the pelvic muscles, making them more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations; when you exercise the PC muscles, other muscles in the area are also exercised and strengthened.
Women who regularly exercise their PC and pelvic muscles report some very positive benefits: heightened pelvic sensations and greater anal sensitivity; increased pleasure during clitoral stimulation, vaginal and anal penetration; more control over orgasms; and better, more intense orgasms. For more information on Kegel exercises, check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin and The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. There is also a masturbation tool called the Kegelcisor, designed like a barbell for your pussy, which works wonders on those muscles!
But there is another crucial ingredient to great anal sex, the most important one–which may be missing for you, according to your letter: desire. You really have to want to be fucked in the ass.
First, you may want to think about why you don’t enjoy anal sex. Many people have fears and anxieties which, when kept to themselves, can result in tension and a butthole that just won’t let anything inside. Meditate on your feelings about and associations with anal sex, your past experiences with buttfucking, what you liked and disliked about it. Share your thoughts with your partner–sometimes talking about things can help you assuage your fears and relax. If you come to the conclusion that you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. All the exercises, butt plugs, and lube in the world won’t do a damn thing if your heart’s not in it.
Visit Tristan at PuckerUp.com.
Loosen Up by Tristan Taormino
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