M4M: The Gay Man’s Guide To Finding Love Online, For an Hour or Forever
By Jack Mauro




OutPersonals.com’s own Jack Mauro wrote this definitive guide to online cruising. It covers everything about the world of online gay hook-ups from soup to, er, nuts, and it does it with the wry humor you’ve come to expect from our resident columnist. This isn’t a slim book, and Mauro doesn’t skimp on the information and tips, but at the same time, it’s a quick and easy read, broken up by sidebars and asides.

Mauro starts with the basics, that is, your “profile.” This first section is a little AOL-centric, it must be confessed, although Mauro never quite names that Internet juggernaut by name. Certainly, the advice he gives is also true for, say, Yahoo, or certain other “value-added” service providers, but not if you’re hooking up to the Net from some other place that doesn’t also pose as a community, like, say, the ubiquitous Earthlink. Still, the advice is solid, especially about pictures. First of all, you need one. Second of all, in these days of cell phone cameras, there’s no excuse not to have one. Taking and posting pictures is simplicity itself, and the lack of one is suspicious. But Mauro also advises judicious cropping (just in case your best friend standing next to you is cuter than you are!), explains what kinds of photos you should have on file (not just a face and not just a dick), and concludes that the “summer shorts photo” is the most versatile option of all.

The second section is all about chat rooms. What to expect, the etiquette, do’s and don’ts and common denizens, it’s all here. This reviewer has never frequented the chats (perhaps another inexcusable lapse these days, but c’est la vie), so I’ll just have to take Mauro’s word on some of the finer points. But this section is a solid guide to an otherwise possibly confusing realm of online interaction. The section on common chatroom denizens is a hoot.

The third section is the one most relevant for readers here: personal ads. OK, you’re almost halfway through the book at this point. You know how to post a picture, how to chat online, and how to avoid the common pitfalls of each. Mauro starts by giving a guided tour to the major personals sites (OP is not, alas, one of them, but we forgive him). Then, there are several pages of handy, bulleted tips like “Keep it brief” and “don’t hedge.”

Better than that, he follows up with some strong insight as to why a given ad might fail to garner any response, or the right kind of response ‒ and what to do about it. This chapter should be required reading for any OP patron. Was your ad too vague? Too bitter and aggressive, talking about “fakes” and “losers”? To sappy, filled with poetry? Too sad? Oops. Try again.

Etiquette tips like “do I need to reply to everyone who writes me?” (Answer: yes, it’s only polite) and “Can I trust the honesty of these guys?” (Just as much as they trust yours, which is to say, not much) are also covered, if briefly.

Mauro also touches on phone sex, webcams, and ends with a miscellany of “other answers.” Some of these answers are great, like the glossary of tech terms and chat slang; others are not so good, like “A Look at the Online Bisexual Man” that really sheds little light on the subject and instead regurgitates a bunch of tired clichés and needless speculation. (Mauro is clearly as gay as they come; your humble reviewer, on the other hand, has been known to play on both sides of the fence.)

Mauro does his best to transcend his biases, but it doesn’t always work. It’s not just bisexual men that get the shaft (so to speak); twinks aren’t his type, either, and they are brushed off in favor of the “man’s man.” But frankly, it’s exactly his openness about said biases that makes Mauro such a strong writer. You always know where he’s coming from, even if your experience differs.

And as any regular reader of “Tales from the Net” knows, Mauro’s got the experience ‒ and the success stories -- to back up his opinions.

And he’s nothing if not blunt. Many of the sidebars are in the form of a “reality check”, like this one:

“No single thing, no one tool, is more valuable in the world of Internet communication than instinct. It will stir within you when you’re engaged in that stimulating private chart, and it will tap you on the shoulder when the third, strangely annoying IM comes from the guy you had your doubts about. It will also get you sending a message to someone who seems to be average but whop you sense is more attractive. Every time, in every instance, go for it. Your gut is your greatest ally here, always. Listen and obey.”

Mauro encourages men to check their spelling, forget about mottos or quotes, and to keep it brief. Too obvious, you say? Well, as the author says, “there’s little room for subtlety online.” When the situation calls for more delicate etiquette, however, Mauro is equally up to the task. Take the section on size. “How to be honest in a world where everyone else is adding two inches?” he asks, rhetorically, and then provides a well-thought out answer: if you’re five inches or smaller, say you’re small, period. Be honest, and your charm will lead to where your size can’t take you. If you’re average, relax. If you’re nine to ten inches, attach a picture. If you’re over ten, attach a picture and prepare to be scoffed at.

Mauro is both blunt and wryly humorous on the subject of hooking up online. One piece of advice he keeps repeating: don’t say you’re in the hunt for a life partner, because it implies you’re ready as-is, and that’s arrogant and off-putting, not to mention a little daunting to someone who’s just idly clicking through profiles on the Web. Better to play it casual, stay open and see where things lead. That way, you attract more attention and preserve your dignity at the same time.

In short, this book is an invaluable addition to the gay male online cruising experience. And that’s what you’re here for, right? You plus M4M: sounds like a match made in heaven to me.