| Checking out the wallet |
Jul 3, 2008 12:00 pm
28 Views | Many of us have several ad hoc living time capsules that show the chronology of our lives. One of them is our wallets.
If you found a wallet and it had these things in it, you'd know it belonged to a middle-aged guy:
A picture of Charo
Ticket stubs from a Herman's Hermits concert
An unused condom marked "Best before April 12, 1965"
The condom is wrapped around a Viagra pill
A picture of a man in his early 20s wearing the exact same leisure suit that the wallet owner is currently wearing
A small calendar identifying the owner's time-share week in Greenland
The singed remains of his Ford Pinto proof of ownership
A coupon to a local salon to have his hair dyed
No money | |
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1 comment | |
| Famous Quotes |
Jun 25, 2008 2:02 pm
Mood: informative, 93 Views | "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the people in his car." Anon.
"If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two aspirin and keep away from children." Anon
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so. There's a support group for that. It's called Everybody at the bar." Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program? It's not a desirable job, but if you get sucked into it, have some fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant, without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out into the lake and threw her off the boat. I said 'They weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to that study: Duh." Conan O'Brien
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching geography." Paul Rodriguez
"Remember when you were in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single line, smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." Anon
"Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." Anon
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." W. C. Fields
"Why in the hell should I have to press 1 for English?" Every American | |
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6 Comments | |
| Thoughts on aging |
Jun 13, 2008 9:05 am
Mood: contemplative, 189 Views | Many experts advise us to fight the aging process. They tell us that we need a disciplined diet and a rigorous exercise regimen, and this will somehow keep us young.
This to me is fighting the fundamental rules of Nature. The world does not need you to stay young. We have young people who are much more willing and able to do that job.
So instead of trying to take the place of a younger, healthier person, why don't you try to find the place that has been reserved for you? You can find that place by looking at yourself and focusing on your strengths.
You may not hear very well, which is Nature's way of telling you to listen more. You may not see very well, which is Nature's way of telling you not to look. You may have lost a lot of strength and speed, which is Nature's way of telling you to sit down before you kill yourself.
Maybe you could even cheer somebody else on.
Your memory is fading, which is Nature's way of preventing you from holding a grudge. You've spent a lot of years taking in information, which means you're in a great position to draw some conclusions on life, before life draws a conclusion on you.
Sure you're getting older, but you can also get better. You just can't get younger.
Step away from those roller blades. NOW. | |
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5 Comments | |
| Lost on the golf course |
Jun 4, 2008 9:45 am
168 Views | A guy was playing a golf course for the first time, and after a while he got lost. He noticed a woman playing ahead of him and approached her to ask where he was.
"I'm on number five and you're on number four," she said, "so you're a hole behind me."
The guy thanked her and continued playing, but on the back side of the course he got lost again. He spotted that same woman and asked her again where he was.
"I'm on number sixteen and you're on number fifteen, so you're a hole behind me,"
she said.
The guy finished playing and went onto the bar for a drink. He saw that same woman and bought her a drink.
"This is for helping me out," he said. "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm in sales," she answered.
"Me too," the guy said. "What do you sell?"
"I can't tell you," the woman said. "You'd start laughing."
"No I won't. Tell me."
The woman blushed and said, "I sell Tampex."
The man started laughing so hard he almost cried.
"I knew you'd laugh," the woman said.
"No, it's not that," the man said. "I sell Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you." | |
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3 Comments | |
| 15 minutes of fame |
May 31, 2008 1:01 pm
198 Views | I know movie stars and athletes make a lot of money doing endorsements for running shoes or phone companies, but what we're seeing now is getting out of hand.
Bob Dole pitching for Viagra, Karl Malone of the Utah Jazz selling Rogaine. Come on, guys, where's your pride? I would never do either of those. It's an insult even to be asked.
Can you imagine being approached by a laxative company because they think you truly represent what their product is all about?
Television ads and billboards all over the country with your face right next to the word "bowel." Is that the kind of fame you want?
People recognizing you and then crossing to the other side of the street? Going to a restaurant and being seated next to the rest room?
It can't be worth it. | |
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5 Comments | |
| I'm Not Getting Older |
May 17, 2008 11:00 am
Mood: contemplative, 248 Views | I'm not getting older. I'm getting more focused.
Some people see the aging process as the law of diminishing returns. I prefer to look at it as Nature's way of coordinating knowledge, experience, and focus.
As you lose your hair and vision and hearing and libido and general degree of attractiveness to members of the opposite sex, or any sex, of any species, you're left to concentrate on your true purpose in life.
I'm still not completely sure what that is, but for me it's trending toward some combination of eating junk food, watching television, and complaining.
I'm sure I'll have a clearer picture any day now. I'll keep you posted. | |
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5 Comments | |
| Won't communicate? |
Apr 11, 2008 7:15 am
Mood: thoughtful, 289 Views | Lately it seems that a lot of guys I send messages to here don't bother to respond. Not even with a "Not interested." So I've come up with 10 signs that a person is not communicative.
1. When you phone somebody, you're hoping to get their voice mail.
2. You never ask anyone a question because you have no interest in their answer.
3. When you have a passenger in your car, you turn the radio up as loud as it will go.
4. You spend a lot of time alone in the garage.
5. When you have something to say, you speak loudly without taking a pause and then quickly exit the room.
6. E-mail is your favorite method of communicating because you can say whatever you want without interruption and then delete the reply without reading it.
7. When you come upon someone walking in the street, instead of saying "Good morning" you pretend to see something important in the distance and start running towards it.
8. Your office phone has been set on Voice Message since 1991.
9. On the rare ocassion you send greeting cards, you don't sign them.
10. You wear headphones that aren't plugged into anything. | |
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1 comment | |
| Do I sound desperate? |
Apr 3, 2008 4:45 am
Mood: annoyed, 409 Views | Pardon me for this rant, but I'm getting tired of having guys think I'll hook up with them just because they're a few years younger than I am.
In the past week or so I've gotten at least 5 propositions from guys who are in their middle or late 50's (I'm 62).
Every one of these guys was fat, bordering on obese. And I'm not guessing here; they have pics in their profiles. One guy even has a cock pic, but you can barely see his cock peeking out from under huge folds of belly fat.
Now I'm only 5'6", 130 pounds, and I thought that was fairly clear in my profile. So what makes these guys think I'd want to hook up with them? Do they really think I'm that desperate because of my age?
I try to politely tell them that there isn't going to be any contact, but some don't seem to get the message. One guy even told me I was too limited in my choice of men.
Come on, guys. Take a REALLY good look at yourselves in the mirror. You aren't attractive at all...at least not to me...and the fact that you're a couple of years younger doesn't change that. | |
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7 Comments | |
| Random Thoughts |
Mar 26, 2008 12:18 pm
Mood: contemplative, 304 Views | 1. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had any friends at all.
2. The internet has it all wrong. Guys my age don't want to be interactive. We don't even want to be active.
3. Opinions are like toothbrushes. Everybody has one, so there's no need to share.
4. In my life, the only things that have gone up in value are love, friendship, and sleep.
5. If information was medicine, most of it would be a laxative.
6. Ideas are like children. In most cases the conception is the only fun part.
7. Simple things last forever. Just look at my Uncle Louie.
8. My neighbor spent so much time in the donut shop he was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
9. It's very humbling when the voices in your head are talking to somebody else.
10. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably about my age. | |
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1 comment | |
| Define AVERAGE, please |
Mar 9, 2008 11:59 am
Mood: confused, 463 Views | In the past month or so I've been contacted by 3 different OP members looking to hook up. Before I do anything with anyone, I always check their profiles, and in these cases, the men listed their heights as 5'7", 5'11", and 5'8". Every one of them put "average" for his body size.
I met the first guy just to talk. He was about 5'7" all right, and I estimate he weighed 180 pounds. I wrote to the other two asking for their weights. The 5'11" guy weighed 220, and the 5'8" guy weighed 200.
Now, I'm only 5'6" and I weight 130. To me that's average. All three of these guys should be "a little extra padding" at the very least, and the 5'8" guy is pushing "ample" at 200 pounds.
Just what do guys these days think is "average"? Needless to say, I decided not to hook up with any of these three. Not that I have anything against them as people, but I just have a problem having any kind of physical relations with someone who is more than 40 pounds heavier than I am.
Has anybody else noticed this "average" problem? | |
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9 Comments | |
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