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closebyoc 62M
308 posts
6/25/2011 3:01 pm
What do gay guys think about during sex with women?

I'm gay. Despite only having a single hour of in person gay sex in my adult life and despite being happily married (with children) for 35 years, I'm truly gay. Not bisexual. Gay. More gay, I'm sure, than a great many who blog here and who've had vastly more "in person' gay experience.

Despite being "cute," and attracting female crushes in junior high school and high school, I had only a single actual date and never kissed a girl. I had a single good night kiss my freshman year in college. I did a minuscule amount of drive in movie groping my sophomore year. I never actually went "all the way" until a week or so before my wedding, and this was accidental. It wasn't because I wasn't horny. I was furiously beating off and putting hot dogs up my ass, because they felt good up there. Later on, during marriage, I was seriously hit on by a very attractive, foxy lady, shortly after her divorce. We'd known each other for years, attending kids' athletic practices and events. I was never tempted at all.

In my 50s, I realized that I was obsessing about sex, which wasn't happening much anymore in my marriage. I'd been masturbating to gay fantasies most of my adult life, doing butt play, and sometimes even cross dressing, just to look at myself in the mirror while beating off. I started having internet hook ups. I did cybersex and video cam sex. I was headed straight for in person gay encounters when a girl from my pre-adolescent childhood turned up. We had a very torrid two year affair, which almost cost me my marriage. Then, a bit more than a year ago, I came out to my wife as being totally gay. I told her everything. I began going openly to gay bars, once or twice and occasionally 3 times a week. Eventually (in early March, 2011) I had my in person gay encounter (fabulous).

My marriage almost ended. My wife gave me one final chance when I promised to (1) quit drinking, (2) quit going to gay bars, and (3) never again have physical in person sex with anyone who wasn't her. I'm very happy that she's given me this one final chance, and I am utterly determined not to blow it. So far/so good. I'm content to get by (gay wise) in life the way that I got by for all those decades before starting to go regularly to gay bars, which is to get by on fantasy and masturbation.

My wife and I are having wonderful sex. The best of my life. She gives amazing blow jobs and doesn't spit out the cum. She gives my butt hole the attention it craves. And so on. But here's the thing; the only times we have sex are when we are cuddling together (usually in the early morning or in the middle of the night) and I wake up with my cock erect and in between her legs or butt crack. Then we just go at it, in a very loving way, for as long as I can keep it up, without having to start having gay fantasies. The only way I can cum, while having sex with her, is to just not think about anything at all and let nature take its course -- or else to imagine that she's a guy.

I don't want to do the latter to her anymore (imagine that she's a guy), so, if the magic ends and I get out of the unconscious zone and into the real world, my dick starts to go soft. Rather than actively fantasizing about doing it with a guy, I just slow down and move to things like breast nibbling and pussy eating and literally just making love to her (as opposed to banging her). This works fine for us. Our sex is like the box of chocolates. We never know how it's going to turn out.

The main thing is that our sex is truly about making love and showing love. I do the best I can to make it good for her, without disrespecting or degrading her by imagining that she's anyone other than who she is. If I don't cum with her, then I truly have no difficulty whatsoever in cumming, later, on my own, as I've been doing all my life.

We are so close, right now. I've told her that I never want to lie to her or mislead her or cheat on her, ever again. All I want is to be accepted and loved for who I am. If she can accept that I'm gay and love me not in spite of being gay but at least partly because I am gay (because that's who I am), then I will have everything I will ever want or need, out of love, out of marriage, and out of sex.

cefntx2 57M
6617 posts
6/25/2011 3:54 pm

Why would you ask a question like this on a gay website!! Maybe you need to ask it on a straight or bi website!!

soixante_neuf 65M
15296 posts
6/25/2011 4:16 pm

I don't have an inherent problem with thinking about something (or someone) else while having sex, if it helps.

seeknfunn 49M
15747 posts
6/25/2011 6:17 pm

    Quoting cefntx2:
    Why would you ask a question like this on a gay website!! Maybe you need to ask it on a straight or bi website!!
From what I read, he identifies as gay -- it's the first line; and 'tis an interesting question e'en though I've no clue how to answer. However, I feel the same as 69 -- although I guess it really depends on whether the wife is okay with such things.

Vanilla Zilla Van Nill Ah Zill Ah

zzz &&& zzz

Rick___SS 58M
1013 posts
6/25/2011 6:37 pm

I guess us BISEXUALS will never be accepted anywhere.

Click here to join my chat room>>>>> RickSS Corner

PCBbeachboi 58M
4862 posts
6/25/2011 7:51 pm

    Quoting Rick___SS:
    I guess us BISEXUALS will never be accepted anywhere.
(psst, he says he's NOT bisexual)

...I used to know more then I do now

WooerBitotGlade 51M

6/25/2011 8:32 pm

Been there, done that, burnt the damn t-shirt and never looked back.

...Why's It So Hard To Love One Another....

luvssissyboys 58M
5594 posts
6/26/2011 2:12 am

I personally think it ,but never say it,if this girl had a dick i'd marry her peace..steven

stickstone 63M
48 posts
6/26/2011 5:37 am

Oh why, oh why, did you take the last chance. Should of ran like hell got in the car and never looked back.Most of us don"t understand how you can be happy when 95% of your brain is screaming: I"m a gay man"

Rick___SS 58M
1013 posts
6/26/2011 9:31 am

I realize that,But I was referring to some of the other comments.

Click here to join my chat room>>>>> RickSS Corner

towelrack2004 49M
53 posts
6/26/2011 11:20 am

What do gay men think about when with a woman?I think about her,pleasing her which in turn pleases me.But I'm not gay,I'm bi.Hope that helps!

closebyoc 62M
247 posts
6/29/2011 2:19 am

    Quoting cefntx2:
    Why would you ask a question like this on a gay website!! Maybe you need to ask it on a straight or bi website!!
Firstly, in the "Baby Boomer" demographic, I'd wager that the -- vast -- majority of guys on this website are either currently married or were previously married. Secondly, I've made it abundantly and repeatedly clear that I'm addressing my writings to married, gay boomers, like myself. It's the title of my blog, for goodness sake. Thirdly, of the profiles I've read of guys my age on this website, a goodly number state that they are married or were married. Fourthly, I recently read a blog post written by a guy in his 50s (I think it was the guy who likes "bears") and he wrote that most of the men he'd met on with whom he actually hooked up with were, in fact, currently married men. So maybe non-married, non-bisexual guys might like to learn what goes on in the heads of us married guys.

closebyoc 62M
247 posts
6/29/2011 3:06 am

Stickstone asks:

""Most of us don"t understand how you can be happy when 95% of your brain is screaming: I"m a gay man" "

As I wrote before, I'd never advise a guy in his 20s, 30s, or even 40s, who finally figured out that he was really, totally gay to try to hold his marriage together. I feel this way as a result of reading all the horror stories on the straight spouse network and hearing stories my wife told me of the lives of other women she'd met in person (at coffee shop meetings) or with whom she'd spoken on the phone. It's just not fair to the woman.

I think it's a possibly different story in the case of men approaching 60, who have been in long, happy marriages, with or without children.

My wife jokes that I never grew up until I was 50, and that I never had the coming of age voyage of personal exploration or the sewing of wild oats. Between 22 and 50, I was happily married and not sexually frustrated, because I was and remain a true virtuoso at masturbation. I've got a wonderful imagination, and I made good use of tools and toys. Then I hit 50 and got into virtual gay sex. Then I had the two years of straight sex cheating with my childhood friend. Then I realized that I was truly gay and had a year of gay bar drinking, dancing, and groping, culminating in the loss of my gay cherry.

If my wife were the open marriage type, I'd have just gone on that way. But she's not the open marriage type, and I had to make a choice. I just loved the hedonistic sexuality of the gay bar scene, as described in the blog post. But that was such a small part of my life.

I wanted to have sex with men. I didn't want to live with a man and grow old together with a man and take care of a man and have a man take care of me.

Rather, I wanted to live with my wife and grow old together with my wife and take care of my wife and have my wife take care of me. I wanted to share all the joys and trials of life with her. Not with some theoretical male soulmate/fuck buddy out there who might or who might not exist.

It's not that I gave up being gay. This morning, I swam 2,000 meters in my Speedos and took them off in the shower, to rinse off the chlorine before going naked through the locker room to the jacuzzi, and I started getting hard thinking about how much I loved the exhibitionism which my locker room affords me, and I had to put the Speedos back on to cover it up (bummer). As soon as I had a modicum of privacy (later on, at work), I brought my phone into the (private) bathroom, dialed up a hot gay mobile porn video, and had as good of an orgasm as I'd could have gotten anywhere, with anyone.

And I didn't need to hide anything from my wife and I didn't need to get tested for STDs.

I got by for more than half a hundred years on masturbation, and I reckon I'll make it the rest of the way, as well.

There are lots of gay guys in the world who either can't get real in person gay sex or who get it only infrequently. Some are fat. Some are ugly. Some are handicapped. Some are sick. Some are priests, who've take vows of chastity and who actually observe those vows.

Some people are insulted that I consider myself to be gay. I feel insulted that some people would assert that one is only allowed to call oneself gay if he divorces his wife (and mother of his children) to chase after real cock in the non-virtual world.

Here's a quote from another comment, by someone who's name I don't now remember (and didn't copy down):

"I also do not believe that those at variances from gay or straight are or can be totally understood by those who fit perfectly within those two terms as far as sexuality goes."

That's very important. A gay guy who's never had sex with a woman and who's lived the past 30 years entirely within the (conventionally) gay world just can't relate to gays who've been managing their gayness for decades in the context of (conventional/heterosexual) marriage. There actually is more to life than sex.

Women are, in many cases, entirely wonderful beings for reasons which have nothing whatsoever to do with sex. And I've heard it said by women (in a magazine article and in the cinema) that a gay man who is capable of remaining faithful to a woman might just make for the ideal husband. I don't think that my wife would agree entirely, but she values me enough to stick by me, despite my having dragged her through the emotional mud over the past three years.

She's given me one last chance to make up my mind, with respect to what I want out of life. I've finally figured it all out. What I want is my life with her. I don't have to pretend to be straight, anymore than a straight guy has to pretend to be naturally monogamous. There are lots of straight guys who crave extramarital sex with a different partner, but who somehow manage to remain faithful to women with whom they may have unsatisfying sex, for the sake of preserving what they most value out of marriage and out of life. I don't think it's really all that different in the case of at least some gay old married guys, like me.

beon6624 42M

7/16/2011 2:12 am

Did you get any of your bunnies pregnant while in college?

playbuddie 55M
2 posts
7/23/2011 2:41 pm

I have a very similar experience. Thanks for sharing yours. I do love your cock, my new fantasy will be you and I are neighbours and sexbuddies and our wives accept it because we are both lovely.

closebyoc 62M
247 posts
8/3/2011 2:35 am

    Quoting beon6624:
    Did you get any of your bunnies pregnant while in college?
I'm not sure you were asking me, but I didn't lose my virginity, straight-wise, until two weeks before my wedding, at age 22, to the woman I married, who was the only girl or woman I ever fucked, until I started my extra-marital affair, which lasted 3 years, beginning 4 years ago. The only woman I ever impregnated was my wife. To this date, I've only had intercourse with two women (one my wife) and one man (last March). 95% of my lifetime sex has been with myself. The man sex was wonderful. I'd be more than happy to do that every day for the next year, in an alternative universe, where I wasn't determined to preserve a very happy marriage. I fantasize constantly about gay sex, but that's the way it's been for decades. I manage.

closebyoc 62M
247 posts
8/3/2011 2:40 am

    Quoting playbuddie:
    I have a very similar experience. Thanks for sharing yours. I do love your cock, my new fantasy will be you and I are neighbours and sexbuddies and our wives accept it because we are both lovely.
Your body is totally hot. You've got an actual six pack. I'm OK, but have a discernible little bit of a spare tire around my middle, as you can see in the two photos on recent blog posts. I would totally love to be your sex buddy and how lovely to imagine that our wives would be so understanding and accepting. I'm going to work on my gut, inspired by your photo. It's less a matter of doing more abs than of losing 2 or 3 pounds. I can do that; just needed the proper motivation, which you just gave me.

closebyoc 62M
247 posts
8/3/2011 3:07 am

Yes, that's true. I consider myself to be a married gay, not a married bisexual. I've never been particularly turned on by women. My extramarital affair was a totally unique situation. Reappearance into my life of someone I hadn't seen since I was not quite 12 years old, but on whom I'd developed a crush, owing to a situation when I was with her in a car, when I was 11 years old. Just a little bit of playfulness on her part, at the time, but it had a huge impact on me. It was actually my moment of erotic awakening, although my first sex and first orgasm came a year later, with another boy. I never dated in high school and met my wife on a blind date, when I was a college junior. I was never attracted to other women during decades of our marriage. I once had a very foxy, recent divorcee hit on me pretty hard, but I was never even slightly tempted. Then my ex-childhood friend looked me up on the Internet. We started corresponding. She was her same, delightful self, including just as playful. I was captivated -- the mind being the greatest sexual organ of all. It was her mind which was the big turn on for me, although she has a beautiful face and body (as does my wife). But, with both women, I was making love, much more than having sex, and it was just allowing my body to go on autopilot, while making love to a person, as opposed to fucking a woman. It's hard to explain. With thoughts of men, though, I get into a state of true sexual lust -- having nothing to do with love or with the mind -- having only to do with the physical body. I'm not that way with women -- not at all. I can only do it with a woman if it's an act of love and where the two of us have a deep connection, at the mental level. During my extramarital affair, I had both erotic photos and love letters from my girlfriend. I loved the photos, but the love letters were the bigger turn on. I had a lot of masturbation orgasms simply reading words written by her which said variations of "I love you." Not at all with men. I get horny and I get off with photos, videos, mental images, mental imaginings, and my limited in person remembrances -- all about the physicality of having sex with another man. I don't dream of falling in love with a man. I don't fantasize about it. I've actually tested myself by trying to imagine it. Once, I thought I was maybe getting close, but the moment quickly passed. I don't think I'd get hard if I ever got a letter from another man telling me that he loved me.

In other blog posts, I've referred to "Birdcage Gays" versus "Brokeback Gays." Birdcage gays are (according to my theory) the true genetic gays. These are the stereotypical gays of popular culture, as depicted in the Robin Williams movie "The Birdcage." Brokeback gays are, of course, the kind of guys depicted in "Brokeback Mountain," who seem to be the main guys represented in gay porn. Strong, athletic, capably masculine guys, as opposed to sissy boys. I think that the Brokeback Gays are the environmental gays, while the Birdcage Gays (who are the fashion mavens, interior designers, artists, hair stylists, screen writers, etc.) are the genetic gays. Just my own theory, based on data from studies I've quoted and from personal inference.

Whatever. I'm gay; not bi.

I think I'll turn this into a blog post.

RobertEC 54M

2/21/2012 7:41 pm

Interesting situation, I just wonder if it is sustainable considering your desire to make love with men.

Over 20 years ago I started craving for sex with transvestites while married to my first wife (with whom sexual relations were deteriorating).

After our divorce I met a sexy transvestite and we had one date, with a wonderful good night deep passionate kiss. Looking back, I would say that I sadly fell for a woman and broke off the transvestite 8or crossdresser if you prefer) relationship.

A few years after that I remarried, but still have a craving for transexuals. My wife is not aware of this. I have had three physical encounters with two transexuals during the past 6 months, and it was fantastic.

i still have sex with my wife, also very good sex, and my mind wanders all over the place. Enjoying her and her body and also seeing images of the crossdressers/transvestites that I have been with and others seen in videos, pictures, etc.

The ironic thing is my wife wanted me to see The Crying Game and The Adventures of Priscilla the desert Queen recently, we rented both and watched together at home. So maybe she knows anyway? Women's intuition?

As much as I try to supress the urge to pursue and enjoy TV/CD sex, I reckon that I will continue to give in and enjoy it once in a while, as I do not want to leave my wife.

Cybersex and watching porn helps to satisfy the desire, but it sure is not the same as the real thing....