This is a collection of random assed thoughts and fragments of useless information for our everyday lives. If you value youor intelligence I suggest you don't read this stuff.
I am happy to say that my music page on my space has finally hit 100 people. There are exactly 100 people on the friend's list. I know this sounds shallow and stupid, but this is my music page and I want to expose what I have made to the world... I know that at most, maybe fifty out of those 100 people actually listened to the tunes once before just adding or requesting to be added, let alone check out the profile. I mean I know at least a few people actually gave it the time of day so far, and that is cool. As for the other people who are on the friend's list, well they are just props, set up to make the site look more popular... lol
In other words I finally got around to playing with the microphone I have plugged into my computer. It records only a minute of stuff at a time, and the quality of the recording is really gritty and quiet, but when properly distorted through six or seven filters it sounds great. Plus the grittiness makes it better, it gives it that dirty, fossilized feel. I spent most of the evening last night on my computer, recording audio samples from movies. While my boyfriend sat across the room playing Warcraft, I sat on my computer recording quotes from several movies. On a side note I think it is cool how both my man and I can be in the same room and still do our own thing just as much as we can do OUR thing. Anyways I ended up recording some samples from "Twelve Monkeys" one of my favorite movies. As well as an audio clip from "Freddy Vs Jason", and "Alien". Needless to say I am once again growing in my menacing quest to make music.
oh yeah if you wanna see the page just go to the site and type in, under display name, Ukbek. There you will find the sound deformation that is my music...
Today, well yesterday since it is passed midnight now, just before work, my sister and her boyfriend's little kitty cat, Bummer died. It sucks because that cat was cool, and he was fine this morning but by six or seven, he died. My sister and her boyfriend are taking it hard, I feel bad for the little guy too, but not as much as them. It sucks because Bummer had such a personality, he was a very unique kitty. Late at night, when I would sneak into the kitchen and make a sandwich for a late snack, he would be amongst the cats at my feet howling for some meat. But unlike his momma cat, and my other cat, Bummer was ambitious and bad ass enough to actually climb up your leg to get to that counter top. He was resilient, and determined to get what he wanted. I will miss the little guy...
Today is one of those days where when you wake up you just want to go back to sleep and continue recharging, but you can't because you already slept too damned much. I feel very wired today, like a machine, only my inner circuits aren't completely right. I am not depressed, I am just tired, and I want to sleep. But I must go, and get ready for work, and work for a few hours tonight, then I will come home and end up bored until I finally go to sleep at about four or five in the AM. The only solace is the fact that the weekend is right around the corner, and when it arrives I get to see my boy and everything will be nice again.
Those who stand above Stand the STRONGEST And the last one laughing Laughs the LONGEST
Today, January 17th 2007 marks the anniversary of an important day.
So many people laughed at me when I broke the news to them... They said I would never make it, that my will power, and my mind were too weak...
I just want to say to all of them, even though they probably aren't reading this, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You said I couldn't do it
I did
I have gone six months to the day without a cigarette! Cold turkey! Fuck the Tobacco Industry!
It's funny because now when I see the True adds on TV, the ones that try to expose Big Tobacco and smoking as this big bad thing, I think to myself, I am no longer one of those 12,000+ people that die each day. I am one less statistic, one less dollar for a big industry to make. I am having the last laugh now, and I am bellowing over it!
Right now I feel contentment with life. It is that kind of contentment that we only achieve when we die, that permanent peace feeling. This is not a bad thing though. Like I ranted about before, in my last blog, I have made a lot of changes in my life. These changes are very interesting, and are having some very interesting affects on my perception. I think the biggest impact on everything for me is the fact that I am doing some more of the things I want to do in my life. It's like I am breaking out of a shell, or shedding my skin, evolving. For better or for worse, but I feel like it is for the better. I mean a lot of heavy shit has been dropped on me and my lot so far in this short year, but there are good fragrances in the mist of everything. For starters, my poor mother and sister got into a car wreck about a week ago to this day, may be a day or so longer. Anyways, my mom was at an intersection, and she was in the left turning lane, but on this fucking intersection there are three turning lanes, allowing you to turn left or, on the far left one, do a U-Turn. But there was only one stop light applying to all three of these lanes. As the arrow turned green, my mom and sister, returning from Wal Mart, got T-Boned on the passenger side of the car, where Cara, my sister, was sitting. What hit them you ask? Only one of the most dumb fucking cars that the most dumb fucking people who don't know how to drive their dumb fucking car correctly drive: An S.U.V. But not just any S.U.V., but one of those super sized ones that sound like diesel trucks when they run, yeah one of those ones. Anyways, they got hit, and the car got fucked up. My mom suffered several bruises on her sides, especially the right side, because my sister had slammed into her. As for Cara, well she got hit hard, the car bent two feet in, pinning her in so that the jaws of life were required to get her out. She was knocked unconscious, but was revived by the paramedics when they arrived. The end result for Cara was two torn ligaments in her right shoulder (she still might need surgery for that), a concussion, two or more broken ribs on her back right side, just by the shoulder blade, and a broken pelvis. My mom ended up suffering from a lot of bruises, especially a really big black and blue one on her right thigh, which she has gone on to show several people in our circle. It's funny. But in the end everything is fine, Cara came home a few days later, my mom came home that very night of the accident. My sister is back to her old self, spoiled, sweet, demanding, and nice all at the same time. She is being a real bitch at times, but that is only because of the pain and all of the drugs that they have her on. My mom is alright now, still recovering, but more involved in the next problem I will address. Basically everyone is back to normal and more appreciative of things, though now my poor mom is getting sued by the yuppie that hit her. But we are all thankful that we still have each other. Happy that Sabo wasn't in the car or my niece or one of my nephews weren't there. I mean they could've been fucked up. Needless to say I am trying not to be bitter at this situation, and I find it pretty easy. I also, in the midst of all this crazy shit, found myself someone. I met this guy about two months ago, on this site of all sites, and after talking on Instant Messenger we decided to meet up and go and see a Sharks game in San Jose. It was fun, I mean really fun. We ate at a steak house near the arena, dining on steak, baked potato, and salad. Then we went to arena and saw the game. The Sharks won 4-1, woot woot. I was really nervous at first, I mean really nervous, I was back in that high school crush mentality, where you are afraid to even talk to the guy because you know you will just fuck it up. But as soon as we started talking all of my anxiousness had gone away, like the fog does when the sun comes out. We talked a lot and ended up hitting it off enough to continue to stay in contact via the internet, phone, or just in person. We have been hanging out together every weekend since our first get together, and last week, right after the accident, we decided to make it official. I like him, He likes me, why not give it a chance? I mean I have been single for a long time, and I do want to be with someone, and he is it. He fits the mold, hahaha. But it feels nice to be with someone who likes me for me and my pretty fucking face and body (I know that sounds narcissistic and vane, but whatever). We are good together and we spend our time productively, and do a lot of fun things that couples are supposed to do. This is healthy. Anyways I have ranted on and on about this stuff. I can elaborate further, on these subjects and more, but I am tired and this blog is too fucking long. In conclusion I am content right now, I feel like a lot of the old me, the some of the darker parts, are dying, and I am finally opening my eyes up again.
P.S. I am sorry about the part where I say that only dumb fucking people drive S.U.V.'s, there are a lot of people with average intelligence who adequately drive S.U.V.'s too.
ok I know it is well into the month of January, but I still have to give props to 2006, what a year it was! I did a lot of shit, some of it I regret, some of it I don't, but all of it I enjoyed. The ups were higher than ever, and the lows were fucking deep, but I survived it, and I learned. This last year I did a lot to both improve and destroy myself, I think that was my motto: self-preservation and self-awareness achieved through self-abuse and self-destruction. I did a lot of drinking and a lot of partying, maybe a little too much, and in doing so I learned that there is more to life than going through it intoxicated. I quit smoking cigarettes last July, almost six months ago, and I enrolled into college after a three year summer vacation. I had great sex, went to great parties, got to experience some great things: like being stranded in Oakland and having to find a way home, or going to Folsom lake with all of my friends on Memorial Day. I did a lot of things, experienced a lot too. I started out the year angry and alone, and ended it with less anger, less hate in it. Through the last 365 experiences of 2006 I learned enough about myself and my capabilities and my roots to know that I can do anything I want in life. I have grown from a worm to a man. Yup a lot happened this last year. My motto for 2007: Keep on growing, keep on moving, what's going to stop you accept yourself?
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" -Aliester Crowelley
I am trying to sleep right now, because I have an early morning at work, and I don't think it is going to be pretty... I am too wound up to get into details right now, but all I can say is that I have to go in and talk the boss again. I fucked up in the sense that it is no big deal, but also a big deal. So I going in extra early tomorrow and plead my case, which is a good one. And since I am gifted in the art of speaking to people and pleading my case (I have been told I should be a lawyer), I am somewhat optimistic about it. But I still am worried, because I need this job, but at the same time it was my first job, and has been my only job for almost five years, maybe it is time to move on. I am a good people person, and I have great customer service experience, I know how to work a register, over ride a register, and do a lot of other stuff, so it shouldn't be too hard for me to find another job. They are a dime a dozen, and I am one in a million, so if they fire me tomorrow fuck them, and if they don't than Merry Christmas... Shit it is Christmas, of all the fucking days that this stupid situation could be postponed too. I really just want to march in there and say, "look let's deal with it on tomorrow, it is Christmas today. So let's just get through this rush and try to enjoy it." God where is everyone's Christmas Spirit?!?!?!
I feel like a zit right now... There is so much pressure on me that I feel as though I will pop. Maybe it is for the best, I don't know. All I know is that in the last week my social life has boomed, my dad decided to contact us, my job is over-working and underpaying me, I have been sick with Bronchitis, and to top it off the fucking holiday is right around the corner. But it is almost over, then the boredom will set in and I will probably end up bitching about it again...
Today I was hit with a ton of bricks. I got hit in the head, and fell to the ground, pinned, in shock. My sister called me and asked me to guess who had sent her a letter. I didn't want to so I told her to just tell me. Then she informs me that our father had written her a letter, along with a package containing a few photos, a card, some insence, and some computer discs with links to religious sites bookmarked on them. She told me that he had sent her two lolly pops insinuating that he knew my sister had two kids, as opposed to the one he had been told about a long time ago. He pretty much tells her that He was sorry for everything, and that He has dedicated a great part of his life to his spirituality and towards healing and trying to make right all he had wronged. The box he sent had an aura to it. I could feel energy emanating off of it, almost like a heat, and for one second I could feel what I had been ignoring for so long. I felt like a deer in the headlights of a very big truck, and the slogan on the side of that truck read "Surprise!" So basically I found out where my dad lives now, and after 13 years I can finally have the option to go and see him whenever. Even though I am numb and lost, today I felt a lot of that ice melt for a split second, and I saw exactly how vast this ocean of pain inside my soul really is. I am so used to being lost, and angry and confused, relying on the ability to block out what I don't want to face. I am not sure if I want to come back. I have learned a lot from my numbness, and my logic is based on my not feeling like I belong in this world, and I think I have become accustomed to dwelling on that fact. But either way I have to face this, and seek out my demons and destroy them. I must close this chapter of my life. It has been a long time, my growth is so stunted in so many ways, that it is time to let the world in and let go of my anger. I can go to him at any time, and find peace. My sister and I went by today, but didn't stop. If it were up to her, we would've but I told her I wasn't ready. I don't think she is either. This is only between her and myself, as my mother and other sisters don't know about this at all. All I can say is that I am going to knock on that door someday.
I was at work today, deep in thought, enjoying my few moments of solitude and peace, when suddenly this quote from a song popped in my head. The song is named "Bottom" (shut up perverts, its not about that!), by the band Tool. On this song Henry Rollins, of the Rollins Band sings this quote, which popped in my head today...
"If I let you, you will make me destroy myself. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. And I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you. There's no choice bu to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone through great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you, there is no other choice. You're nothing now. You're no one now. And my soul must be iron, because my fear is naked. I am naked and fearless, and my fear is naked..."
This quote is kinda motivating. I mean it entails a lot of motivation in it's words. I mean the way it is spoken, with the music, it is powerful. Henry Rollins is a huge guy, and you hear him poetically, almost vulnerable at times, recite these words. I am motivated by these words. They ahve a lot of meaning to me. If I don't do anything in life, then it will beat me. If I take it on face to face, with nothing to lose, then I will probably get somewhere. I ahve ambitions, and I am not going to let them just fly by like I always fucking do...
