Now for something totally different....
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Where do I start? This will be the hardest blog I've ever written, by far. I'm in need of baring my soul in a major way and I thought that you, my dear readers and cyber friends would be the best place to start. I've spend 47+ years keeping what I need to say hidden and suppressed. I've developed every form of defense known, against having to to confront this monkey. It's now time. I have been seeing a counselor. Originally she was working with my wife and I but that's since changed. I seen many in the past, all to no avail. I wasn't ready then, maybe just maybe I AM finally ready to confront this monkey. It's an emotional monkey and it's controlled virtually every moment of my life, ever action, every decision, every thought and every feeling for literally 47 years now. I've become quite adept at hiding the monkey and keeping him at bay but he's always there. Only I can see him. Only I can feel him and only I can confront him and stop him. My father died when I was 3 months old. One morning he had a severe heart attack and died in my mothers arms in the bathroom. My mother was left with me, a 3 month old, my 8 year old sister and my fathers business. That one defining moment changed the lives of three people so completely and profoundly. In an instant what was to be, no longer was. All the promise and the 'golden' future that a young family has was washed away in that one instant. Gone. Never to be seen again. After four years my mother eventually remarried. More so for security and financial reasons than love. The man she married, after all was said and done, was a complete bastard. He had two children of his own, a son who was my sisters age and a daughter who was my age. His wife, the mother of his two children, had passed away suddenly also. Another defining moment that would change the lives it touched completely.. This man was not physically abusive. No dear reader, that would have been easy to deal with.. He was physiologically abusive. But I digress. This story isn't about him. It's about MY father. The man I never new. For the longest time, I could not even think about him without becoming a complete and total emotional basket case. The 'monkey' had me. I would well up with tears at even the mention of his name. This was something that at first, I ran from. I didn't even try to fight it. At least not consciously. Unconsciously, I fought it in every way imaginable. Every one of those 'ways' was personally destructive to me and everyone around me, especially my mother. I failed at school, sank into drugs and alcohol, and basically made a mess of my entire life. I just didn't care. There was no future, there was no love, there was nothing. Inside, while I searched for acceptance I also did everything possible to avoid it. Emotionally, over the years, I basically became numb. Numb to everything and everybody. Why bother? Eventually I did start to try and confront this issue but it took time. I had become so very good at walling myself off from it in all ways, that I could finally, after many many years, at least I could start to talk about him in the most superficial ways. It was a start at least. The effects that this single moment/event have had on me are untold. The what ifs that I have NEVER allowed my self to think about, sometimes do sneak into my thoughts, especially whenever I see a young father and his young son together. The feeling of loss and a wasted life are everywhere within me, do this day. Yes I have a wonderful wife, and good job a nice home. No doubt my mother would be proud of me and even more so, my father would be also. But it really doesn't mean anything to me. Nothing does. I am to a point of being almost entirely devoid and incapable of true feeling and love. It hurts to much to let my guard down for even a second. I wander through life with no direction, no purpose, no fulfillment, nothing. My mother passed away and while I miss her, there's very little emotional feeling in me. I I know she loved me very much but I am incapable of feeling anything. Just loss and emptiness. This monkey manifests itself in so many ways that I'm almost at a loss to outline them. I procrastinate. Why not? Nothing means anything anyway I do things that are harmful to myself and those around me. Why not? I don't care. There's nothing so why bother caring? I refuse to become engaged in my OWN life. Why should I? It was taken from me 47 years ago. I live my life and go through the motions. I guess I've just gotten even BETTER at walling that monkey off from me. Lord knows I've had plenty of practice. I never had a father figure in my life and a great portion of it as really been a search for just that. Unfortunately, I've never found it. I've come close a couple of times, namely my brother in-law but even then, I can't let my guard down. My counselor suggests that I suffer from depression. At first, I didn't agree but now I think she's probably correct. It might actually be a very deep and mind numbing form of depression. I don't know, and I certainly don't know enough about depression to really comment but we are exploring this. She also suggests that I might be still be suffering from some form of post traumatic syndrome. I have to agree, obviously  All of this is not meant to be an excuse. We're ALL dealt our cards in life and we have to play what we've been given. Sure, when I was a kid I could (and did) fall into the excuse trap. It wasn't MY fault! But as you get older, you have to move on. You have to do something to take control of your life. Pretty soon the excuses start to wear thin. Well, I've done that but it's nowhere near enough. I'm still left with a giant gaping hole in my life and my soul. A hole that was created that morning 47 years ago when my father died. Stay tuned dear readers. There will be more coming. I am committed to facing this monkey one way or the other. I have to. There is no choice. |
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11/15/2005 11:35 am |
Hey my friend: I'm glad your facing that monkey!! I'm sure you'll send him on his way!!. Maybe we all have one, in one way or another, I know I have!!!. I killed mine a long time ago, his ghost tries to return now & then, but thankfully I'm able to shoot him down!! I wish you all the best,,,YOU WILL WIN!!! DAVE
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 11/15/2005 1:11 pm |
Tazz, you have made the most important step, you have confronted the demon, and it is you. You must face it and conquer it. Yes it is tragic that you were left without your father; never being able to know him, never having him there for you, never having his eyes gleam in pride for you. I am so sorry for your loss. But many don't have that even with a father in their life. We all must make the best of what we are given in this life. I believe your father would be proud of you, proud to call you son. His angel is there, let him walk with you. You are a good man, I can see that and I believe your father would have loved you with all his heart, and he does where ever he may be. Yes you have that big gaping hole in your life, take that hole and fill it with love and compassion for everyone you know, let your heart be open to feel the good around you. Let your friends help you travel this new road of discovery, the discovery of your true soul, the soul of a good man. Your father left you with sometime, his seed, the seed that blossomed into a rose. Now it is your turn to allow the flower to show and not the thorns. My prayers will be with you, Peace, Mike
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11/15/2005 3:17 pm |
Tazzer, I'm so glad that you are able to talk this through. Mike has some good advise. I had to read your blog twice to really get the gist of it. Your monkey has turned into a gorilla! Michael, BayAreaKweer4U, wrote a beautiful blog some time back about losing his father. Please take the time to search for it as I feel it might help you. May I assure you, you are not alone in your plight. Many guys here on OP lost or were raised without their father, me included. Like you, I never new him. I never missed him much because you can't really miss what you never had. Sure, there were times when I wondered about him & when my friends fathers would take them places I was envious. That's normal, but there are worse tragedies in life & you must come to terms with this & finally let it go. You are in love with an "image" you have created that doesn't exist...the perfect life you could have had if your father hadn't died. Forgive me if I seem too harsh as I am only trying to help you see things in a more correct perspective. You are a fine & worthy man & it's never too late to change ones attitude, lifestyle or expressing appreciation to family & friends. I am very interested to read your continuation of this journey. Peace...Clint Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet! 
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11/15/2005 4:00 pm |
Tazz....thank you for sharing this. I'm going to say something now that never really helped me at the time, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But what was lacking when it was said to me is one simple fact: I understand; I know (maybe not the specifics, but all the feelings and emotions.) The "moving on" isn't as easy as one would think. Depression isn't exactly what others think. Good for you for your effort in counseling, facing the most difficult things. One last thing: you really aren't alone....you've got support, friends. On your side; empathizing. With you every step on your road to ... wellness.
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11/16/2005 12:42 am |
Keep on writing...it will help you in facing it and dealing with it. Sincerely Luqman
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11/18/2005 8:13 am |
Thank you ALL for you comments. They really mean a lot to me. Mike, your comment especially, touched me deeply and had me sitting here in tears. The thought that my father IS watching over me is almost to overwhelming for me, emotionally, to handle right now. Just thinking of him brings tears to my eyes. All of you are amazingly caring and compasionate people. Thanks again for all your input. Never change guys! ps. I will keep you updated on my progress. I've sent my blog entry to my counsler, (Let's call her 'Karen') and, I hope you guys don't mind, I sent your comments along also. She wanted to see them. Keep in mind, she does NOT know anything about my 'quest' or the fact that this blog is on OP.. I have and will edit comments to remove names and any reference to gay/bisexuality or OP in general. Please note, I DO plan on talking to her about this. Just not right now. It's more important for me at the moment to tackle/tame the Monkey Luv ya !
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7/21/2006 9:42 pm |
Tazzer, although its been almost a year since your post, I have to make a comment. I am the youngest of 6 kids. Had 1 brother 6 yrs older than me.and 4 sister  I always wished it was the other way around) Anyway my brother was a very special guy. He was everthing I wanted to be. But he got married @ 18, she was pregnant @ 16. But they had a very mature relationship. & sex life. She got pregnant5 times in 5 yrs, but miscarried 2x. anyway,He had joined the Airforce, but got a 2nd job to help pay for stacking bills. 1 day, when she was 9 mo. pregnant w/ thier 3rd child.#1 was 4,#2 was 2,he fell off a 3 story apartment he worked on,it was that moment in time that changed the outcome of the kids & mother forever.He was in coma for 34 days & died. There was something about him, something very special. Everyone he came into contact with, all through his life could feel it, he just made everyone feel good to be around him. We all felt his loss. I kept asking God why did he have to die? I wished it was me that died. & wanted it turned around. I was 17. No kids, couldn't get along w/ parents, and my death would not have had such a horrible effect on so many people. In paticular 3 babies. His kids not having this very special man there to raise them, well I can't even describe how much difference it made. Astranomical!! At his funeral I vowed to do anything & everything I could to help his kids. But the effect it had on his wife, hurt my good intentions, she literally lost it, got married 3 months after his death, blew all her benefits from his death, kept the kids away from my family for many yrs. & got into drugs, married again, both were abusive & I stompted both thier asses for hurting my brothers children. I didnt know I could hurt someone so bad. I think he was with me when I did that. Told them it was forbidden for them to harm my brothers kids or his wife, & if it happens again, the punnishment is DEATH! & I meant it. I didnt mean to write a book, so I will add 1 more thought, I think that kids whose fathers are alive and dont claim or want to have anything to do with them could be more harmful, than knowing the only reason I didnt have a wonderful upbringing is because my father had died. Not because he didnt love or want me. I am a father of 2 sons, and I know that the reason I am a great father to them is I got to watch & learn from my big brother, who was a natural master at fatherhood & everything else he did in his short 23yrs. Peace Tazz p.s. im in New Albany, In Email me anytime OutPersonals
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